Thoughts before our first appointment.

This unexpected pregnancy has been an emotional roller coaster, to say the least.  I am not going to sugar coat things.  I have been depressed and cried a lot.  I have been so ridiculous about things that I have literally being crying and laughing at the same time.  Everything makes me cry.  Riding down the road with Johnathon knowing in about seven months it won't just be us in the car makes me cry.  Knowing that in a couple months I will be moving out of my mom's house makes me cry.  When I am sitting at the table and my mom and Johnathon are enjoying a margarita and I am having a glass of water, that makes me cry.  I cry a lot at night...and during the day, like I said I cry a lot.  I am pretty sure that by the time the baby is here I will be cried all my tears out. I feel bad for being upset but I just can't help it.  I am still overwhelmed by the thought that in seven months we will have a baby.  I feel so unprepared.  Everybody tells me this will get better, I can only hope.  I am trying to get more excited because I don't want to ruin it for Johnathon.  And most of all, I don't want our baby to think I don't love it! 

Johnathon and my relationship is taking a beating.  I feel like we are completely different people than we were 8 weeks ago.  Sometimes, I feel like we are so distant.  I know I have pushed him away, a lot.  I like being by myself these days.  It isn't him, I just want to be alone and be sad and sick by myself.  I resent the fact that his life seems to be going on just like before but mine has stopped and he doesn't have to deal with all the bodily changes.  We went on vacation this past week and I did a lot of laying in the bed while he went out and did things without me.  I wanted him to do everything he did and have fun but it wasn't fun being miserable in bed all week by myself in a hotel.  Then, he fusses because he says I don't want to do anything with him, but that isn't it at all.  Most days I have been so miserable that I only want to get out of bed to use the bathroom.  And I get aggravated because I wish he would just spend some time with me, even if that means laying in bed and doing nothing.  Men just don't get pregnancy, though.  I have given up on trying to get him to understand.  I hope things get better as pregnancy goes on.

Another thing I am very, very scared of is how our relationship will change once the baby arrives.  It is still very hard for me to imagine us being parents.  I love us as a couple and our relationship now, I don't want it to change.  I know that bringing a child into our relationship will change it, I just hope it changes it for the better.  I hope things will be as good or better...but only time will tell.  First we have to make it though the pregnancy.

Luckily, I have only had a few days of morning sickness.  Unfortunately, I have had major first trimester bloating.  It has been absolutely miserable.  If I continue to be bloated like I have been I will never have another baby.  Every time I eat something, my stomach blows up and I look like I am already nine months pregnant.  I am scared to eat anything.  I haven't gained any weight but the bloating prevents me from wearing anything with a button.  Bloating is also what kept me in bed on my vacation last week.  Some people have told me this will go away, some have told me it will last the whole pregnancy.  I am just praying that I am one of the lucky ones and it will go away soon!  Besides that, I haven't had any issues.

My appetite has been terrible.  I never have a taste for anything.  When I do want something it is salty...and yes I know this is bad for me but right now all I want is anything that has an extreme amount of sodium.  I am trying to work on that.  I also like salads, for every meal.  So my diet has mostly consisted of salads and grapefruits with lots of salt.  Oh and don't forget the sour candy...I have never been a candy person but I find myself going to the convenient store for sour candy all the time.  I have ate so many warheads that my mouth has been raw.  One good thing is that I can't stand soda anymore.  I don't know what happened, I guess the baby loves water because that is all I ever want to drink!

We have picked out a girl name that I absolutely love but we are still struggling to find the perfect boy name.  At first, I wanted a girl but now I am kind of leaning towards a boy because that is what Johnathon wants.  But I really don't care, I just want a happy baby.  Only two people out of many, many people have said it is going to be a boy.  Everyone else thinks it is going to be a girl.  I can't wait until we find out.

Tomorrow is our first doctor's appointment.  I am excited and nervous.  I am use to controlling every aspect of my life and for the first time I can't control something...and that something just happens to be growing inside my body.  So, yes it is about to drive me crazy.  I just want to know that everything is going ok in there.  Whatever they tell me tomorrow I know God will not give us anything we can't handle.  I am excited that we are finally going to get to see our baby.  I feel like we have been waiting forever.  I had to be added to Johnathon's insurance and since we are not married that took forever.  So tomorrow is the big day.  Everybody tells me that everything will change when I hear the heartbeat for the first time. I will keep y'all posted on how the appointment goes!