Seeing our baby for the first time!

Monday morning I woke up anxious to go to my first prenatal appointment, more or less to get it over with.  I don't like the unknown and not knowing exactly how the appointment would go scared me.  Of course, I asked my sister a million questions before I went to be prepared.  She will probably get sick of all my questions before this baby is born.  I am glad she did this first.

I always think of the worse possible scenario; what if I get in there and the baby has no heartbeat?  what if my feelings are the same after seeing the baby?  what if something is seriously wrong with me that could harm the baby?  what if there is something wrong with the baby? and the list goes on and on.  Nursing school hasn't helped with always thinking about what could possibly happen. So, these thoughts continued to run through my head on our drive to the doctor's office.

We finally arrived, extremely early to fill out paperwork.  At this point, I feel like I have seriously signed my life away.  I have had to sign my name to the point of exhaustion in the last few months.  By the time I got everything filled out and squared away it was time for my appointment and surprisingly I went back on time.  Usually, when I go to the doctor I question why I even made an appointment because you don't get to go back until like an hour after your original appointment.

We went back and they checked all my vitals and asked me 50 million questions, literally.  After the interrogation came the part I had been dreading since the day I found out I was pregnant, the cervical exam.  I've only had one and it was awful.  Plus, there is nothing comfortable about having someone down there in your area that you don't even know.  Surprisingly, there was nothing to it.  The doctor couldn't have made it any faster, painless, or more comfortable than she did. 

Right before the cervical exam the doctor tried to listen to the heartbeat with the doppler.  She said she doubted she would be able to hear it, so not to panic if she couldn't because that is normal.  But, as soon as she put it on my belly I heard the most amazing, beautiful sound I have ever heard in my life, my babies fast, strong heart beat.  Of course, I started bawling. And right that second I regretted sending Johnathon out of the room during my cervical exam.  I wish we had of been together to hear it for the first time.

It was finally time for us to get to see our baby!  They told us to not get to excited because we might not be able to see it that well yet.  But of course we could!  And again, it was absolutely amazing.  S/he was all over the screen and jumping up and down.  The tech was even laughing at how active the baby was.  And the heartbeat was great, 168 bpm.  She said that there was only one in there, which I couldn't have been more relieved to hear.  That's all they needed to tell me, was that there were two and I would have fell out. I could have seriously watched that screen all day long!

There is our beautiful baby!

Nobody lied when they said everything changes once you see your baby and hear their heart beat.  It makes everything so real.  Seeing it made it believable.  It is amazing that we made that from nothing, it is amazing that their is a little baby growing inside of me, and it proves to me more than ever that life and God are so amazing!

I am sure I will still be overwhelmed at times.  I am sure there will still be some days that I am down.  And probably more days of sad tears.  But right now, I am on top of the world and so so so very excited.  I was doubting that I would ever make it to that point but next time I will believe what everyone tells me (ok, that probably is a lie, I take nothing for face value until I experience it myself).

The doctors said that everything looks great!  My due date is January 7, 2013.  Which is good because I start back school on January 14 and I am suppose to graduate in May.  I just hope things work out that way!  Plus my birthday is January 3, so we could possibly share the same birthday.  Of course Johnathon is already complaining.  For one, he says it is not fair that the baby could be born on my birthday and not his.  And he wants to know when I would have to get pregnant for a baby to be born on his birthday, lol.  Unfortunately, for him I don't know if I want to ever be pregnant again, so I guess he will just continue to be jealous.  No one worry because he is just joking, we definitely are not thinking about baby number two for a very, very long time.  For two, he always has complained about my birthday being right after Christmas and right before Valentine's day, he calls it "BirthMasTine".  He said that "we are going to break him, especially since he will be buying for two."

Hopefully, we will be finding out what we are having in four weeks and neither one of us can wait or can anyone else!

Thoughts before our first appointment.

This unexpected pregnancy has been an emotional roller coaster, to say the least.  I am not going to sugar coat things.  I have been depressed and cried a lot.  I have been so ridiculous about things that I have literally being crying and laughing at the same time.  Everything makes me cry.  Riding down the road with Johnathon knowing in about seven months it won't just be us in the car makes me cry.  Knowing that in a couple months I will be moving out of my mom's house makes me cry.  When I am sitting at the table and my mom and Johnathon are enjoying a margarita and I am having a glass of water, that makes me cry.  I cry a lot at night...and during the day, like I said I cry a lot.  I am pretty sure that by the time the baby is here I will be cried all my tears out. I feel bad for being upset but I just can't help it.  I am still overwhelmed by the thought that in seven months we will have a baby.  I feel so unprepared.  Everybody tells me this will get better, I can only hope.  I am trying to get more excited because I don't want to ruin it for Johnathon.  And most of all, I don't want our baby to think I don't love it! 

Johnathon and my relationship is taking a beating.  I feel like we are completely different people than we were 8 weeks ago.  Sometimes, I feel like we are so distant.  I know I have pushed him away, a lot.  I like being by myself these days.  It isn't him, I just want to be alone and be sad and sick by myself.  I resent the fact that his life seems to be going on just like before but mine has stopped and he doesn't have to deal with all the bodily changes.  We went on vacation this past week and I did a lot of laying in the bed while he went out and did things without me.  I wanted him to do everything he did and have fun but it wasn't fun being miserable in bed all week by myself in a hotel.  Then, he fusses because he says I don't want to do anything with him, but that isn't it at all.  Most days I have been so miserable that I only want to get out of bed to use the bathroom.  And I get aggravated because I wish he would just spend some time with me, even if that means laying in bed and doing nothing.  Men just don't get pregnancy, though.  I have given up on trying to get him to understand.  I hope things get better as pregnancy goes on.

Another thing I am very, very scared of is how our relationship will change once the baby arrives.  It is still very hard for me to imagine us being parents.  I love us as a couple and our relationship now, I don't want it to change.  I know that bringing a child into our relationship will change it, I just hope it changes it for the better.  I hope things will be as good or better...but only time will tell.  First we have to make it though the pregnancy.

Luckily, I have only had a few days of morning sickness.  Unfortunately, I have had major first trimester bloating.  It has been absolutely miserable.  If I continue to be bloated like I have been I will never have another baby.  Every time I eat something, my stomach blows up and I look like I am already nine months pregnant.  I am scared to eat anything.  I haven't gained any weight but the bloating prevents me from wearing anything with a button.  Bloating is also what kept me in bed on my vacation last week.  Some people have told me this will go away, some have told me it will last the whole pregnancy.  I am just praying that I am one of the lucky ones and it will go away soon!  Besides that, I haven't had any issues.

My appetite has been terrible.  I never have a taste for anything.  When I do want something it is salty...and yes I know this is bad for me but right now all I want is anything that has an extreme amount of sodium.  I am trying to work on that.  I also like salads, for every meal.  So my diet has mostly consisted of salads and grapefruits with lots of salt.  Oh and don't forget the sour candy...I have never been a candy person but I find myself going to the convenient store for sour candy all the time.  I have ate so many warheads that my mouth has been raw.  One good thing is that I can't stand soda anymore.  I don't know what happened, I guess the baby loves water because that is all I ever want to drink!

We have picked out a girl name that I absolutely love but we are still struggling to find the perfect boy name.  At first, I wanted a girl but now I am kind of leaning towards a boy because that is what Johnathon wants.  But I really don't care, I just want a happy baby.  Only two people out of many, many people have said it is going to be a boy.  Everyone else thinks it is going to be a girl.  I can't wait until we find out.

Tomorrow is our first doctor's appointment.  I am excited and nervous.  I am use to controlling every aspect of my life and for the first time I can't control something...and that something just happens to be growing inside my body.  So, yes it is about to drive me crazy.  I just want to know that everything is going ok in there.  Whatever they tell me tomorrow I know God will not give us anything we can't handle.  I am excited that we are finally going to get to see our baby.  I feel like we have been waiting forever.  I had to be added to Johnathon's insurance and since we are not married that took forever.  So tomorrow is the big day.  Everybody tells me that everything will change when I hear the heartbeat for the first time. I will keep y'all posted on how the appointment goes!

The day that changed my life.

On May 8, 2012 I walked into my CPR re-certification class and my ears instantly tuned in to one of my classmates talking about having babies.  Already having a very strong suspicion that I was pregnant and scared to death to take a pregnancy test, it wasn't a discussion I wanted to hear at 8 in the morning.  Still, I preceded to sit down by her and in comes another classmate who was about to pop.  I look in front of me, yep another pregnant person.  I guess God was trying to tell me something.  I sat through CPR class doing compressions and overwhelmed with worry.  I was so ready to get out of that class, go home, and crawl back in bed and be stressed with worry some more.  After meeting my mom to do some furniture shopping, I headed home.  On the way home, I finally talked myself into stopping by the CVS and picking up a pregnancy test.  I rushed to my boyfriends apartment but not to take the pregnancy test.  I got in bed and feared the results some more.  After a while, I finally decided to pee on the stick...waited a few minutes...then my heart dropped, a little blue plus signed appeared. Not convinced, I took the second pregnancy test and of course it was still positive.  So, I do what I do best when I am sad, got in bed and bawled my eyes out.  Finally, I texted Johnathon that he needed to go get me a different brand pregnancy test but not in our town.  Nope, I still wasn't believing it.  He had to drive 30 minutes away to get me another pregnancy test.  4 pregnancy test later, the fact that my cycle was 10 days late, and all the other pregnancy symptoms I finally accepted the fact that I was pregnant.

I cried, cried, and cried some more.  I am not sure that I even ever wanted kids.  I definitely didn't want any this soon.  I wanted to graduate school, get married, and spend a few more years with Johnathon before we ever thought of bringing another person into our relationship.

After a tantrum I made Johnathon go tell my mom.  I didn't and still don't care what anyone else thinks except my mom.  So, he headed out by himself to break the news to her.  Thank God I have a great mom.  Johnathon jokes a lot, so it took him about ten minutes to convince her that he was being serious and that I was at his apartment and not coming out (this is funny now, I guess I was just going to stay in there and never come out).  After, realizing that he was being serious she came to my rescue and reassured me that everything was going to be alright.  I didn't buy it at the time but knowing that she didn't hate me made things a tad better.

After I composed myself, Johnathon wanted to go tell his parents and siblings.  Of course, they were more than ecstatic.  Especially his mom, who did all but cartwheels across the living room floor.  Them being excited eased the sadness for a while.

So that is how the day went that changed my life forever.  I will never forget that day as long as I live.

Introductions

For starters, I am Caitlin.  I am 23 and currently attending nursing school.  In the fall, I will be starting my 6th year of college.  Yes, I love school.  Ok, maybe that is a lie.  A change of major here, a transfer there, and life happenings prolonged things a little...or a lot.  Besides school I like to spend time with my family, go to every concert that comes my way, travel, capture every moment of life on my camera, go out with friends, sleep, lay on the beach for hours (or any body of water for that matter) and anything else a 23 year old does that isn't ready to step out into the real world enjoys.

Two years ago, I met Johnathon.  We grew up right down the road from each other.  I was really good friends with his younger brother in high school and even spent many, many days at their house.  Somehow, we never ran into each other.  He is almost five years older than me and I guess when I was hanging out with his brother as a teenager, he was off being an adult.  Anyway, two years ago we met through his brother and have been together since then.  I could not imagine being with anyone else.  He makes me laugh more than should be legal, he has held me through some pretty hard times, he has been my support, he has spoiled me more than should be allowed and I am sure he regrets that at times, he has loved me, but most of all he has became my best friend. With all those great things being said, we have had our share of arguments.  We are both hard headed and want our way and only our way.  This has created endless disagreements in the last two years, but in the end I usually get my way.  Even with the arguments I would not change a thing about who we are as a couple!

Now, Johnathon and I are expecting our first little surprise in January 2013.  Which brings us here.  Here, I will blog about the ups and downs and all the things that come along with an unexpected pregnancy.

WARNING:  I have always being a math and science girl.  I think logically.  I have never been good at English or grammar.  I tend to overuse commas, ramble on with run on sentences, and break all the other rules of writing.  So, if you are a stickler for grammar you may want to quit reading.