We are at the 50 yard line!

Yep, we are halfway through this thing.  It is crazy how fast this pregnancy is flying by.  Before we know it, Johnathon and I will be meeting our baby girl!

 

So how are things?

Well…it’s been a while since I have had a chance to blog.

When I think about how I have been emotionally this is what comes to mind:

“You’re up, you’re down, you’re here, you’re there, you’re like a frickin’ one woman circus.”

That is a line from one of my favorite movies, How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days…and yes I have watched it a million and two times just to stare at Matthew McConaughey (Johnathon don’t get jealous, he was a total turn off in Magic Mike). No, I am not a freak that remembers lines it movies (that would be my baby daddy) but when I was thinking about how to explain how I feel that line popped in my head.  And that is exactly how I feel.  One minute I am so excited and then the next…I want to crawl in my mom’s lap and cry like I did when I was 5.  I feel like I am an emotional basket case…and I don’t just feel that way, I am.  Johnathon will agree.

I still am not ready to be a parent.  I don’t want to become one of those people who can’t do anything without their child, drives a minivan, and walks around dressed like they just rolled out of bed every day (not that I don't already do this).  I am not knocking you if that describes your life…but I don’t want to be like that.  I am scared of becoming my child.  And I feel like that is already happening, all you ever hear out of my mouth is RaeLynn, RaeLynn, RaeLynn.  I believe it important to raise your children well, be extremely involved in their lives, and do all the motherly/fatherly duties.  So please don’t think I just don’t care about my child.  I am sure I will be one of those annoy, over obsessed with their child people that I despise.  I also believe that it is also very important to do things for yourself and your spouse and not get lost in just being a parent.  Hopefully, Johnathon and I will remember that and not forget ourselves or each other.  Personally, I don’t care if Johnathon forgets himself but he better not forget about me J  just kidding! He probably already thinks I am forgetting about him because all I ever talk about is RaeLynn but I haven’t, I promise!

The advice has already started rolling in…oh joy.  Now, I feel bad for anytime I have ever given advice about raising a child (especially since I didn’t have one, lol!).  Taylor this does not apply to you, I am still going to give you advice about how to raise Auden, I know, I know...you don't have to tell me I am the most amazing sister ever!  For everyone else, here is my apology! 

You need to do this. You need to do that.  Are you really considering cloth diapering (with a sigh of disgust)? You are having your baby at that terrible hospital!?! Eyes rolling when you talk about being strict about what your child eats…

And the list goes on and on.  It is never ending.  The advice is not needed or wanted.  Luckily, Johnathon and I are the parents and she will be raised how we want.  And everything we choose to do will be for her benefit not just because we are just trying to be crazy people.  Plus, for people that know me it should not be a surprise to anyone that I am considering cloth diapering or demanding that my child eats well opposed to the terrible American diet.  If people can’t cooperate, they won’t have to worry about keeping her. Oh, and since I mentioned people keeping RaeLynn…people just think you will drop your child off anywhere.  Newsflash, it’s not happening.  There are just some things I don’t want my child to be raised around and if people believe that I think that I am better than them because of that, oh well.  Anyway, I am already dreading that I have to leave her so soon after having her.  I know she is going to be with Johnathon and our moms but it still isn’t me.  I know I have to go back to school and that is what is best for our family but leaving her at a week or two old is not going to be fun.  So, no one has to worry about me wanting to leave her anywhere when I have the chance to be home with her.

I am also super stressed about our house.  If it is not done before RaeLynn gets here I am going to probably have a mini breakdown.  Actually, it won’t be mini.  I just want my child to have her own room!  Is that too much to ask for?  I know Johnathon is doing everything he can and I appreciate every little thing.  But time is dwindling down and things are moving slowly.  It is just stressful.

I am carrying her super low…like if she moves any lower she is coming out.  She took Little Jon seriously when he said “get low.”  The pressure in my pelvis is unbearable most days.  I wasn’t expecting this much pressure at 20 weeks but hey I didn’t expect to get pregnant either.  I should probably stop expecting things.  I have to lie down most of the time do relieve the pressure…sitting just makes it one hundred times worse.  The peeing is insane.  I have to pee like every 5 minutes or at least it feels that way...and most of the time it is just a drop.  I know too much information.  I am having trouble sleeping at night.  Mainly because she is constantly moving at night, making me have to pee constantly.  Not to mention the bouts of restless legs I experience…I hate to even mention it because I will probably talk it up.  Since I can’t sleep at night, I sleep late and so does RaeLynn.  She doesn’t move nearly as much during the day as she does at night.  Please don’t let this be any indication of her sleep schedule!

I started back nursing school this week for my senior year, Woot! Woot! And let me just say sitting two days straight for about 6 hours a day was not fun for a pregnant lady.  My poor back and bladder were not happy about the situation.  I am just thankful that those long hours of sitting were now and not later on in my pregnancy because it would have been much worse!

So far I have gained 10 lbs which I wish was a little less but even with 10 that still gives me room to gain another 15-25 lbs and I will still be in the recommended weight gain range for pregnancy.  I probably need to start doing some physical activity…like I said I was going to start doing 15 weeks ago.  I just can’t find the time or energy but I am really going to try to start walking.

RaeLynn will probably come out looking like she is Mexican, I have already warned Johnathon.  Sometimes, I eat Mexican 3 times a week.  That is all I want.  I am not really having any other cravings.  I am trying to control my eating somewhat but it could be better.  It is so much easier for me to get Johnathon to grab me something on the way home.  Besides I can’t even cook.  I told him I was going to start trying though.  Surely, it will provide many laughable moments for us.

I had my 20 week checkup this past week and the doctor said everything looked great.  I had an ultrasound and she wasn’t very cooperative.  The tech said that she still thinks that she is a girl, lol.  It took her forever to do the ultrasound because she was in what the tech described as “a very awkward position.” I have to have another one next time because she wouldn’t move her hands from in front of her face, so the tech wasn’t able to see her nose and mouth.

She was sucking on her thumb the whole time.

 

 

 

A couple of weeks ago Johnathon told me he was working overtime on a Friday night.  Instead, he was actually flying to Texas to drive back a new car that I had been wanting and that will be more practical than a convertible mustang with a child. Yes, I love him :)

 

 

Here's my new family ride...and yea I know it needs to be washed but all it has been doing lately is raining, so what's the point?

 



 

And this was in it when I got it for RaeLynn. 

 

Maybe he is getting over the fact she is a girl.

 

That is all for now :) Here is to the next 20 weeks!

These are the moments we live for.

This past week has been a very busy and exciting week for Johnathon and I and our families.  Hence, the reason I am almost a week behind posting.  We found out the sex of our baby Monday, Tuesday marked my 16th week of pregnancy, and I did a lot of shopping for our baby.

Johnathon and I (our mainly me) decided to have dinner with our family and friends with a reveal cake to find out the gender of Baby Poole.  I couldn't make up my mind on whether to just find out that morning during the ultrasound or wait to do dinner with our family that night and find out with them.  I finally decided on doing dinner and cake on Thursday night and our ultrasound was on Monday morning.  So, I only had a few days to throw everything together.  I contacted the cake lady (Mrs. Cyndi) and she said that she could do the cake, so we started inviting everyone.  Needless to say, we were still inviting people on Monday and our dinner that went from about 16 people turned into 40 but I wouldn't of had it any other way.

It felt like Monday morning would never get here.  I even dreamed about the cake, lol.  One night I dreamed that my 8 year old cousin stuck her finger in it before Johnathon and I could cut the cake and found out and told everyone.  Yes, I was mad.  The next night I dreamed we cut the cake and it was pink. 

Anyway, Monday morning finally got here and I woke up...sick.  I have rarely had morning sickness during this pregnancy, so that was unusual.  I think it was my nerves.  Being sick put me behind on getting ready, so I showed up at the ultrasound looking like I just rolled out of bed.

I told the sonographer that we didn't want to know the sex of the baby and that I just wanted her to write it down and put it in an envelope.  So when we started out the ultrasound she turned the screen that we watched off (because Johnathon would have been tempted to look) and turned her screen so that only she could see it.  She took a few minutes to determine the sex and then we watched the rest of the ultrasound.  Baby Poole was all over the place, as usual.  After the ultrasound was over she went to her office and wrote the sex down and put the pictures that showed the sex in an envelope.  Before we left she asked us what we thought it was and I told her that I thought it was a boy and Johnathon said he had no clue.  She said that she wanted to see pictures of my face when we cut the cake because I was going to be surprised.  Since she said that Johnathon said it was going to be a girl but I thought that she was just trying to throw me off. 

After we left there we had to drive back to Salley which took an hour and fifteen minutes to take the envelope to Mrs. Cyndi.  When I finally got there she said that she had a dream that inside the envelope was a green piece of paper with the name Dal on it and it didn't say whether it was a boy or girl.  She said she couldn't figure it out and panicked because she didn't know whether the color of the inside of the cake should be pink of blue.  I laughed because I had been dreaming about the cake too.  I left the envelope with her to make the cake.  So, the sonographer and Mrs. Cyndi were the only one's that knew whether we would be having a baby boy or baby girl.

We still had about 10 hours before we cut the cake, so in the meantime I had other things I had to do.  Thank God it was a busy day to keep my mind off of that night.  I had a baby doctor appointment that day and as usual that took up plenty of time.  I am seeing a women's nurse health practitioner right now until I am closer to delivery and then I will see the OB.  Anyway, she is great but it is so frustrating when they take you back and then you sit in the room for an hour before you are seen.  She said everything looks great and all my blood work came back fine except I have a UTI.  I was shocked that I have a UTI because I have had one before and it was very painful and this time I have no symptoms.  She explained that is was normal to have a non symptomatic UTI during pregnancy.  She put me on an antibiotic to clear it up.  Maybe, that explains the ridiculous amount of pressure on my bladder right now.  I got to hear baby's heartbeat again and it sounded great.  That sound brings me to tears every time, it will never get old.

7 pm finally came.  We ate, laughed at Johnathon's baby pictures (haha, I love you), and made guesses at what baby would be.

We had to wait on Johnathon's daddy to get there before we got to cut the cake.  But eventually, after almost a 12 hour wait from the time of the ultrasound, we cut the cake.

and this is what we saw...

Yep, it's a girl and her name will be RaeLynn Taylor.

This had to be one of the best moments of my life.  I was very excited and shocked and cried lots of happy tears.  I was for sure it was going to be a boy.  and I wanted it to be a boy for Johnathon and I would have been just as happy if it was a boy, not as surprised but it wouldn't have mattered.  And I am selfish and wouldn't have to share Johnathon with another girl.  I know that is crazy but in my mind if it was a boy I would still be his only woman.  But almost every woman wants a little sweet baby girl and I am so happy that I am getting mine.  Johnathon on the other hand, went into a state of devastation a few minutes after these pictures were snapped.  It was terrible, almost worse than when I found out I was pregnant.  He walked around the rest of the night with his lip stuck out.  That really upset me and I cried, of course.  I hated that he wasn't happy about her being a girl and I hate seeing him upset about anything.  I have only seen him truly upset twice and this night was one of those times.  He is probably not sure how he is going to handle another one of me running around, telling him what to do.  I am ecstatic that I will have someone else helping me keep him in line and trust me I need all the help I can get :) and someone that can help me out when we want something and he doesn't want to buy it.  I will just send her to do the begging because I know that he won't tell her no.

Look at that frown on Johnathon's face.  I can't wait until the day I tell her not to do something and she goes running to her daddy.  I am going to pull out all these pictures and tell her all about how her daddy wanted her to be a boy.

He has got over his devastation.  Thank Goodness, it only lasted a day.  I know RaeLynn will be a daddy's girl.  Johnathon is a kid magnet, only because he is on their level, haha.  I get so frustrated with my nephew, Auden, because I play with him and take care of him all day when I have him but as soon as Uncle Johnathon walks through the door he wants nothing to do with me.  It's cute but I am a little jealous.

I know he will be a great father and I can't wait to see him with RaeLynn.  I love watching him with Auden.

This is Auden and his idol sleeping this week...

I can't wait for moments like these with our sweet baby girl.  And don't think we are throwing Audi pants to the side now that we our having a baby, he is still going to be with us just as much.  I am so excited that RaeLynn and Auden will only be a year and a half apart and will get to grow up together! I am sure I will have tons of pictures of the three of them being children; playing and laughing.

I am so glad that we decided to find out that we were having a girl with our family and friends.  I wouldn't have had it any other way.  I am so happy that we will have pictures and videos to show RaeLynn when she is older.

Thanks to my mom, sister, and Johnathon's mom for helping get things ready for this past Monday.  And thanks to Kim from Southern Sass Photography for taking pictures!! and Mrs. Cyndi from Cakes by Cyndi for making the most important part, the cake, and for keeping such a big secret.

Thanks to all of our family and friends who came out to celebrate.  We are so lucky to have such great people in our lives and is so happy that RaeLynn will have such great people to grow up around!

RaeLynn at 16 weeks gestation:

And so the spoiling begins...

I can't wait for her to be here so she can wear all the cute clothes!  In the meantime, I am trying to convince Johnathon to buy me a sewing machine so I can learn how to sew and make her clothes.  So far...it hasn't worked.  He doesn't think I will use it but he is so wrong.

As of this past Tuesday, I am 16 weeks.  I know y'all probably don't think I am showing much but I feel like I am about to pop.  I am still struggling with this gaining weight thing.  I am so ready to be able to go on a diet and workout after she comes.

Not much has changed.  I have been getting a lot of headaches.  And the pressure on my bladder and back is just unbelievable.  I am hoping some of that is coming from the UTI.  I just can't imagine what it is going to be like when I get really big.

I finally can eat a whole meal without feeling like I ate a cow. 

Besides that it's just a normal pregnancy for which I am very thankful!

I can't wait until I can feel her move :)

Moving right along :)

Boy, Girl, Boy, Girl- what will baby be?  Only a few more days before we can give our little baby a first name!  Who's excited?  This mommie to be!  I can't hardly wait for Monday morning or Monday evening...we are debating on having a gender reveal cake and finding out with our family at dinner that night.  Question is if either one of us can wait until that night.  I have only had three people predict it is a boy and everyone else believes it is a girl.  I am going with boy! Either way I don't care, I just want a HAPPY baby.  Johnathon on the other hand is probably going to have a mini break down if they tell us it is going to be a girl, haha.  Good thing for him if it is a girl, I told him we could discuss having another child one day but if it is a boy this is it.  I don't care what we have but he really wants to have a boy, so if we don't manage to get our way first time around I may reconsider having another baby one of these days.

The weeks are flying by, I feel like I just found out I was pregnant.  The bloating is almost completely gone.  Still can't eat too much at one time but I have learned to just eat little amounts throughout the day.  I eat Mexican food like it is my job.  No joke, I have eaten Mexican 3 times in the last 7 days.  I could just drink the queso dip and salsa.  Speaking of drink, if you could get drunk off of gatorade, I would be drunk all day, everyday.  I love gatorade and keep a bottle in my hand most of the day.  Pickles...no one ever lied when they said you will crave pickles while pregnant.  Problem is, I only like my papa's homemade pickles and we are out :( I have been wanting one so bad.  Last night I made a trip to the grocery store to buy pickles but they did nothing for me.  I guess I will have to wait on papa to make me some more.

Sleeping is going well, too well.  All I want to do is sleep, still.  I haven't mentioned this before but ever since I became pregnant I have been having CRAZY dreams.  It was actually one of the first signs that I was pregnant.  Before, I rarely dreamed.  Now, I have 3 or 4 crazy dreams a night.  I am not complaining though, they are really good, like a good movie.  It makes me so mad when I wake up and didn't find out what happened.

I went to get my blood work done yesterday, which I completely forgot about until the other day.  It didn't go so well...after giving 6 vials I fainted.  But I expected it, anytime I have to give more than one or two vials I always pass out.  I don't know why.  I don't have a problem with needles or blood.  I have stuck many, many people so that isn't an issue.  I am going to ask my doctor about it Monday.

The only other issue I have been having is pressure on my bladder.  I can only imagine how it is going to be when I get further along because right now it is terrible.  Other than that, physically I am doing great!

The last week being around some of my friends with their kids and keeping my nephew I have observed a few things that I am not sure that I am looking forward to.  I feel like I will never be able to eat a meal in peace again, whether is be in a restaurant or at home.  You can't eat anything without my nephew, Auden, in my face going mmmm mmmm and then demanding some of what you are eating.  And one bite is never enough, as soon as he swallows the cycle repeats.  When I am keeping him and no one is home with me, I never get a break.  I even have to take him to the bathroom with me to take a bath and he stands at the side of the tub wanting to get in.  Once he gets older I won't do this anymore but right now he doesn't understand.  I will never have a conversation without having to get up and do something for my child or to get on to them for eating out the dog bowl or pulling on the blinds.  I can tell I am not a parent yet because my friends and sister can tune their children out if they just keep on and on, me?  it drives me insane.  However, everyone tells me that being a parent is worth all this.  We will see.  Right now, I am thanking God for grandparents and date nights!

I am so excited to see our baby again, Monday!

Next week by this time we will hopefully know whether we are having a boy or girl and we can start spending lots of money on cute little baby things!  What's your predication?

14 weeks and counting.

As expected, I am behind on blogging.  That is ok though, this isn't school, there are no deadlines here.  It seems these days I am behind on everything though.  I guess that is what the first trimester of pregnancy does for ya.

As of this past Tuesday, I am 14 weeks pregnant which means I have entered the second trimester of pregnancy.  Supposedly, morning sickness is to cease this trimester and I am suppose to have all this amazing energy to clean.  So far, this morning I still had to hang my head over a trash can and well as far as that energy, I can't even see the floor in my room.

On a good note, the bloating has FINALLY went away.  I don't feel like I have ate a small animal all day anymore, which I am very very very thankful.  So far, I have only gained three pounds, all of which have went straight to my chest (so no complaints there).  I still haven't been able to eat much.  And even though I haven't gained weight, every time I eat my belly looks as if I swallowed a watermelon...seriously.  I envy people who can finish their entire meal.  I am still failing in the eating healthy department.  All I want is starches and something about meat is disgusting.  I still crave salt and sour stuff...so my purse stays stocked with warheads and sour skittles and I have even considered putting a salt shaker in there (I thought people would look at me strange when I pulled the box of salt out of my purse, so I have decided against it). I don't eat much at all but nothing I eat is very nutritious.  I have vowed to start eating better tomorrow.  Exercise would be great to but I am still waiting on all the energy to kick in!  When we were on vacation this past week I realized how out of shape I have got since becoming pregnant.  I couldn't even walk up the stairs to our beach house without feeling like I ran a marathon.  That was hard for me because I was in decent shape before...I am already planning how I will lose the baby weight and get back into shape after baby arrives.

Johnathon and I are still hanging in there.  We have are ups and downs. He still doesn't understand why I want to stay in bed all day, why I don't won't to be outside in the 105 degree Carolina muggy weather, or why I want to lay on the couch and watch the ID channel or baby story reruns all the time.  But he is trying, we both are trying to be more considerate of each other.  When I have a problem I try to let him know so we can work on it.  Needless to say, he probably wouldn't mind if I would go mute for a few days or he probably would even settle for a few hours.  Seriously though, Johnathon has been great and I wouldn't trade him for a million bucks or Magic Mike (well...Magic Mike may give him some competition, haha I am totally kidding Johnathon, your moves are way better anyways and I love you).

My emotions have calmed down some what.  I am not shedding near as many tears as before and most of the time they are happy tears.  I don't cry at the site of the baby clothes sections in stores anymore, so I would say I am doing wayyy better.  I think Johnathon would agree, too

We have so much to get done before the baby gets here.  I feel like we will never get it all done.  We are in the process of finishing our house right now, which is going slow but I know Johnathon is doing everything he can.  I will just be so glad to be settled and have the baby a room.  I think that will take a lot of the stress off of both of us, especially Johnathon.

We are hoping to find out what the baby is in a week and a half.  However, I have not been able to get in touch with the imaging center but I have been recommended another one so I am going to give them a call tomorrow.  There they can tell you at 15 weeks, which means we could find out next week but I highly doubt they will be able to fit us in next week.  It would be awesome if they could, though!

We have names picked out.  I have known the girl name before I ever dreamed of being pregnant: RaeLynn Taylor.  Rae is after Johnathon's father, James Ray and Lynn is after my mom Tammy Lynn. I have always loved the name RaeLynn (and it isn't pronounced Railing it is Ray Lynn). Taylor is Johnathon's mother's maiden name and my grandma's maiden name.  It is also my sister's name, she would be upset if I didn't though that in there, lol.  And no we are not kin, at least we hope not!  If it is a boy, his name will be Lane Michael.  Lane is a name Johnathon kept going back to time and time again.  I gave in and told him if it was a boy he could name it that.  Michael is after my Uncle Michael and Grandpa Mike (the two first men in my life!).  Unfortunately, I went to see Magic Mike this week and his name was Michael Lane, lol.  I told Johnathon we had to change the name but that isn't an option since he has been calling the baby Lane Michael for about two weeks...yes, he is still convinced there is a little boy in there.

Well that is it for this week.  Maybe I will blog again before the baby is here.  Maybe this time next week we will know whether it is a baby girl or boy!

Seeing our baby for the first time!

Monday morning I woke up anxious to go to my first prenatal appointment, more or less to get it over with.  I don't like the unknown and not knowing exactly how the appointment would go scared me.  Of course, I asked my sister a million questions before I went to be prepared.  She will probably get sick of all my questions before this baby is born.  I am glad she did this first.

I always think of the worse possible scenario; what if I get in there and the baby has no heartbeat?  what if my feelings are the same after seeing the baby?  what if something is seriously wrong with me that could harm the baby?  what if there is something wrong with the baby? and the list goes on and on.  Nursing school hasn't helped with always thinking about what could possibly happen. So, these thoughts continued to run through my head on our drive to the doctor's office.

We finally arrived, extremely early to fill out paperwork.  At this point, I feel like I have seriously signed my life away.  I have had to sign my name to the point of exhaustion in the last few months.  By the time I got everything filled out and squared away it was time for my appointment and surprisingly I went back on time.  Usually, when I go to the doctor I question why I even made an appointment because you don't get to go back until like an hour after your original appointment.

We went back and they checked all my vitals and asked me 50 million questions, literally.  After the interrogation came the part I had been dreading since the day I found out I was pregnant, the cervical exam.  I've only had one and it was awful.  Plus, there is nothing comfortable about having someone down there in your area that you don't even know.  Surprisingly, there was nothing to it.  The doctor couldn't have made it any faster, painless, or more comfortable than she did. 

Right before the cervical exam the doctor tried to listen to the heartbeat with the doppler.  She said she doubted she would be able to hear it, so not to panic if she couldn't because that is normal.  But, as soon as she put it on my belly I heard the most amazing, beautiful sound I have ever heard in my life, my babies fast, strong heart beat.  Of course, I started bawling. And right that second I regretted sending Johnathon out of the room during my cervical exam.  I wish we had of been together to hear it for the first time.

It was finally time for us to get to see our baby!  They told us to not get to excited because we might not be able to see it that well yet.  But of course we could!  And again, it was absolutely amazing.  S/he was all over the screen and jumping up and down.  The tech was even laughing at how active the baby was.  And the heartbeat was great, 168 bpm.  She said that there was only one in there, which I couldn't have been more relieved to hear.  That's all they needed to tell me, was that there were two and I would have fell out. I could have seriously watched that screen all day long!

There is our beautiful baby!

Nobody lied when they said everything changes once you see your baby and hear their heart beat.  It makes everything so real.  Seeing it made it believable.  It is amazing that we made that from nothing, it is amazing that their is a little baby growing inside of me, and it proves to me more than ever that life and God are so amazing!

I am sure I will still be overwhelmed at times.  I am sure there will still be some days that I am down.  And probably more days of sad tears.  But right now, I am on top of the world and so so so very excited.  I was doubting that I would ever make it to that point but next time I will believe what everyone tells me (ok, that probably is a lie, I take nothing for face value until I experience it myself).

The doctors said that everything looks great!  My due date is January 7, 2013.  Which is good because I start back school on January 14 and I am suppose to graduate in May.  I just hope things work out that way!  Plus my birthday is January 3, so we could possibly share the same birthday.  Of course Johnathon is already complaining.  For one, he says it is not fair that the baby could be born on my birthday and not his.  And he wants to know when I would have to get pregnant for a baby to be born on his birthday, lol.  Unfortunately, for him I don't know if I want to ever be pregnant again, so I guess he will just continue to be jealous.  No one worry because he is just joking, we definitely are not thinking about baby number two for a very, very long time.  For two, he always has complained about my birthday being right after Christmas and right before Valentine's day, he calls it "BirthMasTine".  He said that "we are going to break him, especially since he will be buying for two."

Hopefully, we will be finding out what we are having in four weeks and neither one of us can wait or can anyone else!

Thoughts before our first appointment.

This unexpected pregnancy has been an emotional roller coaster, to say the least.  I am not going to sugar coat things.  I have been depressed and cried a lot.  I have been so ridiculous about things that I have literally being crying and laughing at the same time.  Everything makes me cry.  Riding down the road with Johnathon knowing in about seven months it won't just be us in the car makes me cry.  Knowing that in a couple months I will be moving out of my mom's house makes me cry.  When I am sitting at the table and my mom and Johnathon are enjoying a margarita and I am having a glass of water, that makes me cry.  I cry a lot at night...and during the day, like I said I cry a lot.  I am pretty sure that by the time the baby is here I will be cried all my tears out. I feel bad for being upset but I just can't help it.  I am still overwhelmed by the thought that in seven months we will have a baby.  I feel so unprepared.  Everybody tells me this will get better, I can only hope.  I am trying to get more excited because I don't want to ruin it for Johnathon.  And most of all, I don't want our baby to think I don't love it! 

Johnathon and my relationship is taking a beating.  I feel like we are completely different people than we were 8 weeks ago.  Sometimes, I feel like we are so distant.  I know I have pushed him away, a lot.  I like being by myself these days.  It isn't him, I just want to be alone and be sad and sick by myself.  I resent the fact that his life seems to be going on just like before but mine has stopped and he doesn't have to deal with all the bodily changes.  We went on vacation this past week and I did a lot of laying in the bed while he went out and did things without me.  I wanted him to do everything he did and have fun but it wasn't fun being miserable in bed all week by myself in a hotel.  Then, he fusses because he says I don't want to do anything with him, but that isn't it at all.  Most days I have been so miserable that I only want to get out of bed to use the bathroom.  And I get aggravated because I wish he would just spend some time with me, even if that means laying in bed and doing nothing.  Men just don't get pregnancy, though.  I have given up on trying to get him to understand.  I hope things get better as pregnancy goes on.

Another thing I am very, very scared of is how our relationship will change once the baby arrives.  It is still very hard for me to imagine us being parents.  I love us as a couple and our relationship now, I don't want it to change.  I know that bringing a child into our relationship will change it, I just hope it changes it for the better.  I hope things will be as good or better...but only time will tell.  First we have to make it though the pregnancy.

Luckily, I have only had a few days of morning sickness.  Unfortunately, I have had major first trimester bloating.  It has been absolutely miserable.  If I continue to be bloated like I have been I will never have another baby.  Every time I eat something, my stomach blows up and I look like I am already nine months pregnant.  I am scared to eat anything.  I haven't gained any weight but the bloating prevents me from wearing anything with a button.  Bloating is also what kept me in bed on my vacation last week.  Some people have told me this will go away, some have told me it will last the whole pregnancy.  I am just praying that I am one of the lucky ones and it will go away soon!  Besides that, I haven't had any issues.

My appetite has been terrible.  I never have a taste for anything.  When I do want something it is salty...and yes I know this is bad for me but right now all I want is anything that has an extreme amount of sodium.  I am trying to work on that.  I also like salads, for every meal.  So my diet has mostly consisted of salads and grapefruits with lots of salt.  Oh and don't forget the sour candy...I have never been a candy person but I find myself going to the convenient store for sour candy all the time.  I have ate so many warheads that my mouth has been raw.  One good thing is that I can't stand soda anymore.  I don't know what happened, I guess the baby loves water because that is all I ever want to drink!

We have picked out a girl name that I absolutely love but we are still struggling to find the perfect boy name.  At first, I wanted a girl but now I am kind of leaning towards a boy because that is what Johnathon wants.  But I really don't care, I just want a happy baby.  Only two people out of many, many people have said it is going to be a boy.  Everyone else thinks it is going to be a girl.  I can't wait until we find out.

Tomorrow is our first doctor's appointment.  I am excited and nervous.  I am use to controlling every aspect of my life and for the first time I can't control something...and that something just happens to be growing inside my body.  So, yes it is about to drive me crazy.  I just want to know that everything is going ok in there.  Whatever they tell me tomorrow I know God will not give us anything we can't handle.  I am excited that we are finally going to get to see our baby.  I feel like we have been waiting forever.  I had to be added to Johnathon's insurance and since we are not married that took forever.  So tomorrow is the big day.  Everybody tells me that everything will change when I hear the heartbeat for the first time. I will keep y'all posted on how the appointment goes!

The day that changed my life.

On May 8, 2012 I walked into my CPR re-certification class and my ears instantly tuned in to one of my classmates talking about having babies.  Already having a very strong suspicion that I was pregnant and scared to death to take a pregnancy test, it wasn't a discussion I wanted to hear at 8 in the morning.  Still, I preceded to sit down by her and in comes another classmate who was about to pop.  I look in front of me, yep another pregnant person.  I guess God was trying to tell me something.  I sat through CPR class doing compressions and overwhelmed with worry.  I was so ready to get out of that class, go home, and crawl back in bed and be stressed with worry some more.  After meeting my mom to do some furniture shopping, I headed home.  On the way home, I finally talked myself into stopping by the CVS and picking up a pregnancy test.  I rushed to my boyfriends apartment but not to take the pregnancy test.  I got in bed and feared the results some more.  After a while, I finally decided to pee on the stick...waited a few minutes...then my heart dropped, a little blue plus signed appeared. Not convinced, I took the second pregnancy test and of course it was still positive.  So, I do what I do best when I am sad, got in bed and bawled my eyes out.  Finally, I texted Johnathon that he needed to go get me a different brand pregnancy test but not in our town.  Nope, I still wasn't believing it.  He had to drive 30 minutes away to get me another pregnancy test.  4 pregnancy test later, the fact that my cycle was 10 days late, and all the other pregnancy symptoms I finally accepted the fact that I was pregnant.

I cried, cried, and cried some more.  I am not sure that I even ever wanted kids.  I definitely didn't want any this soon.  I wanted to graduate school, get married, and spend a few more years with Johnathon before we ever thought of bringing another person into our relationship.

After a tantrum I made Johnathon go tell my mom.  I didn't and still don't care what anyone else thinks except my mom.  So, he headed out by himself to break the news to her.  Thank God I have a great mom.  Johnathon jokes a lot, so it took him about ten minutes to convince her that he was being serious and that I was at his apartment and not coming out (this is funny now, I guess I was just going to stay in there and never come out).  After, realizing that he was being serious she came to my rescue and reassured me that everything was going to be alright.  I didn't buy it at the time but knowing that she didn't hate me made things a tad better.

After I composed myself, Johnathon wanted to go tell his parents and siblings.  Of course, they were more than ecstatic.  Especially his mom, who did all but cartwheels across the living room floor.  Them being excited eased the sadness for a while.

So that is how the day went that changed my life forever.  I will never forget that day as long as I live.